Valuing My Partner

The initial stages of a romantic relationship, commonly known as the “honeymoon phase,” are characterized by all-consuming attraction, obsessive infatuation, and a strong desire for reciprocation.

While the honeymoon phase feels great, unfortunately, it tends to expire after about two years. Partners begin to notice and react to small irritations and disappointments more than to positive behaviours. Couples begin to see the relationship in a more realistic light; the warning signs they ignored early on emerge as subtle but persistent seeds of contempt. At this time, the real work of love beings [1].

According to the sound relationship house theory [2, 3], maintaining fondness and admiration within a relationship is the antidote for contempt and prevents loss of respect or empathy for one another. Maintaining fondness and admiration involves looking out for positive qualities in one’s partner, actively showing appreciation and admiration for these qualities, cultivating and maintaining internal positive thoughts and perceptions of each other, expressing positive thoughts and feelings about one’s partner and the relationship as a whole, and making an effort to express specific, recent, and timely praise rather than global or general admiration [3]. Further, couples who admire each other are more likely to accept and celebrate their differences and enjoy the diverse interests and opinions they offer to each other [2]. Couples who make an effort to express fondness and admiration have been shown to experience a ‘build-up’ of positivity over time, leading to a longevity bonus of about 10 years [4].

References

1. Meunier, V., & Baker, W. (2012). Positive couple relationships: The evidence for long-lasting relationship satisfaction and happiness. In S. Roffey (Ed.), Positive relationships: Evidence-based practice across the world (pp. 73-89). Springer Science + Business Media.
   

2. Gottman, J. M., Gottman, J. S., & Declaire, J. (2006). Ten lessons to transform your marriage: America’s love lab experts share their strategies for strengthening your relationship. Crown.
   

3. Gottman, J. & Silver, N. (2000). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country’s foremost relationship expert. Three Rivers Press.
   

4. Fredrickson, B. (2009). Positivity: Groundbreaking research reveals how to embrace the hidden strength of positive emotions, overcome negativity, and thrive. Crown Publishing.